I was 32 the first time I was scared by a cop

and that's fucked up

because it took me 32 years

of walking through the world

of speeding sometimes when I drive

of doing shit that's not explicitly legal

like underage drinking

warehouse parties in Brooklyn

jumping out windows and running through alleys

awkwardly trying to buy drugs

parking in a loading zone

sitting in the grass outside an urgent care waiting where it's warm

I used to compulsively steal things

small things

no idea why I did it

like I would see how many forks from different restaurants I could collect

Denny's, Chili's, Friday's, IHOP

and I always got away with it

and somewhere deep down I knew

it wasn't because I was some great thief

it was because no one suspected me

I was a nerdy white girl

glasses, bowl haircut, no sense of style

my mean grandmother used to call me plump and

the way she said it

I knew it was bad

So it took me more than three decades

of living and feeling awkward in my body and growing up and making mistakes and learning the shape of my own voice

before I was ever scared

really scared

by a cop

and that's fucked up

because there are uncountable kids

children

babies

who are scared of cops

are made to be scared

by cops

are ignored

intimidated

humiliated

hurt

killed

by cops

I got to live 32 years before I ever felt scared by a cop

standing in the streets with a crowd

a protest march

for children, actually

watching riot gear come out

watching us get kettled

making the choice to stand in the front

because

fuck

because I've had 32 years

and these kids

these children

are fighting for tomorrow.